I don't know where to begin, I'm even very tired...

I don't know where to begin, I'm even very tired to state the problem , Well I'm obsessed with success , the thing is , I seek safety and assurances in life , I don't trust people , it is not paranoid thing , it is a pure cautious thing , people are around you when you are doing good , and they aren't there when you are having a hard time . I was top student , known for intelligence , but I know of is more of a hard work , I got to I wasnt bullied but I didn't have friends in the meaning of hanging out and such , it is weird , like I can't make people stay (in a normal way) , so at the beginning of high school I tried to change seeing my newly transfered cousin very sweat with people and all of the class loved her , she affected me a lot , and I changed myself , (I always do when I can , too bad) , I changed myself , I was quiet , lonely but peaceful , not fake , hardworker, focused , I loved my old self , but back then I hated it , I changed it , and ironically I didn't get any friends , I have a twin sister too , so that doesn't actually help ,people don't befriend a twin without expecting the other so it is a bother , you know like I'm not hated but not liked either , I became more social , I was an introvert , became an extrovert , I became someone I don't recognize , you see that was my break down point , it was a thought in my head that friendship is important , so I changed the only thing I have for it , anyways , now I don't think of it as much , I had lots of ups and downs but the consequences are dreadful even till now I am a third year medicine student , I worked my best in high school but I know , I was depressed to hell , I was weird not me , You see I'm all or none rule , like either I give my best or not , I was first a lot of times before so I was expected to be one , I thank god got into med school or else I was gonna break down ,cuz I have nothing else left in me First year I also repeated the same mistake of becoming person I know I hate so much , these 6years I wasnt me , like in a comma , but I had my wake up call last year , and I became myself again , last year I felt peaceful , but my grades front the year before it wasn't satisfying so I was in a cycle of depression , yes that is how it is started , or how it was mea t to start I try to change back to myself , the old me , the strong me , last year , I managed to a little bit , but ppl were shocked by me , ppl who knew me for longer time knew it was the real me , I don't give a shit about anything , anyways , this year stated and I was really numb , I feel nothing , I almost connected to myself , the old me , the one who would do anything that would put her mind to , but no , I became numb , till now , Third year is the most difficult year in medicine I believe , I didn't study , I was in my mobile in my dark room all the 6months , I just went to college for attendance , I was weird , I got obsessed with a Korean band (I used to make fun of ppl who are obsessed with one direction or Justin beiber , ironically I did ) I was shocked with myself , like late teenager , and with one especially called V , anyways he is treated badly and he doesn't know it (I know it sounds silly bit it seemed important to me somehow ) , more than I loved one member , I HATED HATED the member that everyone loves , ironically too he resembles the old me VERY MUCH , very dedicated , very hard worker , the ace of the team , I can't stand him really , I didn't hate anyone like him before , he and V are close in potential but he works harder than V , and always gets thrice the chances to shine while V doesn't and the fans of him want V to leave the team , anyways it is silly pretty silly and that isn't why I'm depressed but I could see the pattern , I hated someone who was like me but made the right choice , I'm that bad I kept wasting my time the whole year , like in a comma , I can't even remember what I did in a specific day , I aimlessly searched the web , I was still obsessed with V and the band , since the other one is shining , every time he does something good I hate him and hate myself more , they talked about (which member do u relate to , says a lot about u ) I think I may have hated V , if I didn't change , or maybe I wouldn't , he has so much potential , more than the other , but he doesn't work on it , like me now ( it is not related to the band that much I swear, but the timing was related) Anyways , I didn't enter the tests and I'm depressed as hell , I feel nothing since the beginning of the year , I was in my room all the time , searching videos , Google ,any distraction , I knew I would regret this very much , I knew that in the comma phase I would lose it when all that comes in , I still didn't lose it , i am tired all the time , fed up , u don't know what it ,means to not enter the tests , techniqually like failing , im really depressed ( I know it isn't an illness) I searched the web on how to start focusing ,and stop spacing out , how to deal with numbness , didn't find any answer that was beneficial , the test is tomorrow and I'm not going , and I am scared of my parents reaction , it would be a turning point in my life and I'm terrified , I have always waited something to happen , a great thing before I change , maybe that would do , I tried to make a lot of new things to start through out the year , I failed , I can't get out of my condition right now , it is like lack of motivation , everything that used to motivate me to death does t seem motivating anymore , I'm too tires to think about anything , I nearly fainted while studying yesterday . and I knew I would fail of I enter the test me , the one who was once first , ppl were happy about my shappy condition , not that I'm deluisinal , more like say it in the face type , I am stressed as hell ,and I can't feel anything I need like a slap on my face , but I already gave that to myself , I used to hate being treated badly or looked down upon , I'd a prof said something bad to me I would study 3 nighters up straight , I used to be so powerful ,I don't know why I link it to high school when I seemed friends , but that is why I changed , I didn't care about studying then , I forgot how to study and discipline myself and I'm out of control , I can't bring myself to do anything , I can't force it , I'm too tired to even move , I can't , I get distracted easily and the fact that I learn while walking (weird) really weird is exhausting I was jaeolous of my sisters and the ppl I know that they study while sitting , I wish , I tried , I couldn't , I walk and walk , take a lot of time , and I need general scheme before entering an info , I need a break , I need to rest but I don't know how , o still didn't tell my parents about me not going to the test and hence repeating the year , and hence not being with my tiwn sis ,or my cousin , and being shameful to the family , Mom now thinks I'm studying and gets me lemon juice and all , but I know mum treats ppl differently , I have two older sister , one with a successful career , one with not , she treats the successful one as a queen while being less mannered , and the successful one like trash despite being the one who ALWays helping her , but isn't everybody like that ? Typically people , I'm terrified Mom is also obsessed with getting us married , and I hate intimacy and marriage and shit all that , if I were in a good position she would agree to someone good , bad position she would take anyone in the hand , Everything is scary , I can't believe I made and still make these mistakes knowing I have only myself ,and I'm depressed and I can't bring myself to do anything , like a cycle I can't break , I got into the personality type recently and I don't even know what I am , but I know I once was an infp , yes I changed it for a reason though as it was weak but it was myself , I could have modified it , I don't know , I talked to someone on the web and we became friends , he is teaching me about the personality stuff and being the stupid girl I am , I broke down talking to him 2 times , one was yesterday I am unstable , depressed , can't focus in anything , I need rehab (not drugs ) but in the same meaning , I have lots to talk about and I can't even bring myself to think , I really need to get out of that state of mine , I'm no longer the first and I envy her so Much , I feel weak , and silly that those things distracted me , maybe I was gonna be distracted anyway , but she is stubborn and I'm , I was Now my stubbornness is self destructive They said INFP are artists type and usually space out and usually mistaken as having ADD lol , I thought I had I swear , what , HOW , WHAT should I do , I need to get myself together before next year or else I am gonna be ruined forever , and I will regret , I hate regret more than anything ,